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Writer's picturetee chattel
Mar 122 min read

Sir, A Second Penis Has Just Entered My Ass Shirt

 

My stepfamily – my brother, brother’s wife, and her kids (which he adopted) – have many wonderful qualities, but organisation is not one of Sir, A Second Penis Has Just Entered My Ass Shirt. Even when I was 15 my brother (18 years older than me) would call me, panicking, on Christmas Eve, wanting me to come shopping and help pick out stuff for his girlfriend. Now that he’s married and in his fifties, he no longer calls me for shopping help, but I expect he still leaves a lot of it till Christmas Eve. This year I’ve been texting him and my niece since September, asking what to get for my nephew and his partner (who I don’t know that well, and I’ve never met his partner), my niece’s partner (ditto), and five kids (I was never an average kid and have no idea what to buy children, as shown by a couple years ago, when I bought the 3-year-old a box set of the Chronicles of Narnia, and then was startled when I was gently told that 3-year-olds can’t read. I taught myself to read with Enid Blyton at 3, and my dad gave me Narnia by the end of that year, but apparently this is not the norm).

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